Choose Your Words Wisely
Just wanted to share a little story about something that happened to our daughter, Brynn, yesterday at school. In her 10th grade Honors English class another student was incessantly using the word retarded in a demeaning fashion and telling other people, "You are so retarded," or "Your binder is mentally challenged," and things of this nature.
Brynn sat there and listened to it, becoming increasingly bothered and offended by her word choice. She finally turned to her and said, "You really shouldn't use the word retarded like that. It's not very nice." The girl looked at her and replied, "Well, I'm not a very nice person." To which Brynn responded, "There's a difference between not being nice and being insensitive."
Apparently, the girl didn't say one more word until the bell rang.
How do you feel about using or hearing this word in a manner such as this? Does it bother you like it did Brynn?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009 at 9:15AM
Reader Comments (43)
For those of us with challenged loved ones who find it hard enough to fit in sometimes, this type of languages is hurtful. I think when another word will suffice that it is best to avoid language that might potentially be hard to hear for those sensitive to it. Thanks Jinxi.
Hello! :)
It doesn't bother me but I can see how one could find it offensive. I think your daughter is wonderful for standing up for herself and respectfully putting that girl in her place. You are obviously a good mother. :)
GABE
I can say YES Jinxi it would bother me too. Especially since I'm the mother of a special needs child who is mentally challenged as well as a high functioning autistic. Because of that we are very strict on the use of certain words used in our and our other children's language. Retarded is not allowed at all when their friends ask what's up with your brother they say he's autistic or special needs I have heard my daughter take a friend to task for calling her older brother retarded and I told her I was proud of her for it. They can say things are stupid or dumb but not people or eachother. I guess it's a respect thing to get respect you must respect others and their opinions you don't have to like or agree with them just respect them.
i grew up with a stepsister who was diagnosed as "mentally retarded." it's the language that was used in the late 80's when she was diagnosed and because there was never any clue as to what caused her severe disability it was never modified or updated. i volunteered for three years in a special education classroom. those children impressed upon me things that they didn't comprehend. we had moments of giggles and clear understanding. i also cried the whole drive home when one little boys condition was noticebly worsening, and i learned that it would until he died a very early death. the thing is, most teenagers don't get these experiences. we, as a society, shelter our children from things that are different and painful and hard to comprehend. it is a wonterdul thing that you daughter was able to strongly voice her opinion and stand up for her belief that what her classmate was saying was wrong and insensative. WAY TO GO BRYNN!
Yes, people throwing that word or expression around does offend me. People use lots of words that don't even mean what they are using them to mean. Like lately I've notice some people using the word "gay" to mean the same thing. Saying, that song is gay and so on. This is very sad & offensive.
It also offends me when people throw around the word God. Even people that don't believe in God will use the expression, "My God!" or "Oh my God!".
There are so many people that don't think before they speak and it can be very hurtful to others.
I'm so proud and happy that Brynn stood up for others who might not be able to stand up for themselves. That offensive girl could've been throwing around the word "retarded" in front of someone that might be mentally challenged and it could give them low self esteem.
doesn't bother me, actually. i have a family member who has mental challenges, she's 16. when my friends say the word "retarded", etc. i usually realize that they're saying it not to offend me. i try not to take such trivial things so personally - if i did, i would have a bigger chip on my shoulder than anyone would be comfortable with, including myself. i realize it can be an insensitive word to use, but it can go both ways. someone could say that some people are overly-sensitive to certain language. i know a girl in school who would FLIP out if i used the "lords name in vain" - but she didn't realize that I came from a different house hold where saying "oh my god!" when you were excited or shocked wasn't a bad thing...it's just what you said. but to her, it was completely against what she knew & honored. that's fine for her, but not for me. needless to say, we're not friends anymore....we didn't hang out then either. it's not really her place to tell me what i can and can't say anyways....regardless of her sensitivity, or my alleged "insensitivity".
young people are insensitive all-around most of the time anyways. if she felt so adamant on the language, she could start a revolution if she wanted to. if not, she just comes off as someone who's riding a high horse. the other girl probably shut her damn mouth afterwards because her ignorant ass couldn't think of a good come-back...or she felt like she hurt brynn's feelings...but i doubt that was the case...
all things aside, i think that it's more productive and positive to focus your attention to something else. like english class. that is what school is for after all, right?
I agree with Allison. Why go there if you can avoid it.
Tell Brynn she is amazing! She really handled the situation perfectly-and I really admire her for saying: "There's a difference between not being nice and being insensitive, "-what an exceptional choice of words. Brynn is a wonderful girl, and has wonderful parents as well. You and Steve have done such an excellent job as parents. I am so proud to know you! xoxo
This makes me very sad as I'm sure this child hears these phrases all the time from those she loves.
I think your daughter handled the situation beautifully. :) Good for her.
To the person who said that Brynn should be focusing her attention on English class. Um, perhaps that is what she was doing. She was correcting an ignorant person regarding the misuse of a word. If the girl had been literally talking about a person who was challenged in some way, then perhaps you would have a point, but she was using the word in a way that is not correct. Saying that a binder is mentally challenged is just stupid and is literally an incorrect use of the word. So I think she was paying attention in class and was maybe able to teach the immature girl how the word should be used.
Perhaps if you had had the balls to stand up to your ignorant friends and teach them the implications of the words they used they would have stopped. Oh well, everyone cannot be a driving force for change in the world.
I think the issue that needs to be addressed in this instance is the fact this young woman is in 10th grade honors English and cant come up with a more descriptive word than "retarded". I blame the school system.
I am so proud of your daughter Jinxi. I am NOT proud of myself. I admit after reading your post, I was hit with an overwhelming guilt & remorse. Why? Well, because I myself have used the word "retarded" many times when describing certain things that I disagree with. For example I have said "Thats so retarded" or "geez, don't be so retarded". This blog has made me think. I feel a fool because it took until now to realize that I may have hurt someone over my choice of words. I have thought about this blog all day. I feel that I need to say "I'm sorry". Maybe to no one in particular, but I need to say it anyway. I didn't mean it to be degrading to anyone...I merely just say it because it is part of our everyday slang. The point that I never intended it to be hurtful really doesn't matter much I guess. No matter what my intentions were when speaking, it is still a hurtful & degrading way to speak. I am going to make SURE I think before I speak from now on. Again, I am sorry to those who may have heard my stupid & hurtful choice of words...I am also sorry to those who didn't hear me speak them as well. Way to go Brynn! Keep standing up for what is right...you WILL make a difference...even if it is one person at a time!
Yay for Brynn! For bringing to light both the insensitivity and the ignorance of her classmate.
That being said, though I am annoyed when I hear young people using the words 'retarded' or 'gay' in that manner, I don't find it terribly offensive. They are just kids, and I know that they are not trying to insult anyone based on mental handicaps or sexual orientation. It does sadden me slightly to hear it because it points out the pejorative nature that has been attached to those terms. Unfortunately, I have no control over words unless they are coming out of my own mouth, and if I had the power to change common usage, I would have made kids stop saying 'crunk' a long time ago. ;)
Now, when it is an adult, particularly a supposedly intelligent and sensitive one, who should damn well know better, I do find it to be offensive. Like when Al Gore said that some extreme right-wing conservatives had an extra chromosome,(i.e. Downs syndrome), or more recently when Jeananne Garofalo said that all right-wingers have a frontal lobe disorder. I know that Gore eventually apologized to the families of people suffering from Downs Syndrome, but I have not yet heard if Jeananne apologized to those with legitimate brain disorders. Certainly, I have seen enough a-hole right-wingers and left-wingers to know that that door swings both ways, but, somehow I still expect those on the left to have a little more sense(and sensitivity) than that. Ya know?
-Shay
I'm glad you make the difference between "not nice" and "insensitive." I'm actually very sensitive, although I have it on good authority that I'm not at all a nice person. So next time I use that word, I'll be careful to make sure that I genuinely want to cause offence...
LOL yeah I'm sure that one 16 year-old taught another 16 year-old a lesson. Spare me, Steve. Teenagers don't think like that - never have, never will.
Good for Brynn for standing up for what she believes in, but it still doesn't change the fact that she's in school for education - not moral lessons in beliefs, correct/incorrect usage of slang and derogatory language. She should focus on class and mind her own business. It's not her place to "teach people" a lesson; it's no one's place to teach someone a lesson. Same as it wasn't anyone's place to tell me it's not right to use the word "goddammit." What would have been smarter of her to do is to go to an authoritative figure in her school and explain that the word offends her & let them deal with it. Which, in similar experiences of mine, have done nothing about it, and then I carried on with my high school life surrounding myself with people I respect and using selective hearing, ignoring the people who refuse to evolve.
@1983
If you think that a teenager is not capable of changing someones views, than I feel sorry for you.
As for Brynn paying attention in school, that is funny. Did you notice that it was an honors class. She is a straight A student and has no problem paying attention in class. Additionally, I do not think it was Brynn that was necessarily offended, she is much stronger than that. She was simply pointing out that others could be offended by that language. It is clear from the girls response where she stands on this issue.
At what point is it ok for someone to stand up and say that something is not ok? I understand if you are use to sitting quietly while others act out in a way that can hurt others, but Brynn is not. She stands up for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves. How about if the girl had been actually talking to a "retarded" person, should Brynn had still stayed quiet? What if she was in the bathroom and some kids had another kid corned and was picking on them, should she stay quiet? Should she "mind her own business?" "Oh, I know that that *insert minority here* was getting the shit kicked out of them, but hey, I just mind my own business, not my problem" or oh I just "ignore those people who refuse to evolve."
Your argument has been made by millions in history while travesties play themselves out. Hey maybe America should just mind their own business when it comes to Darfur, oh wait we are staying out of it and look at the outcome. How about if you see a girl getting slapped around by her boyfriend, oh well, mind your own business, I am sure she will be fine. Screw that, you can be quiet if you want to be, you can mind your own business while people continue to get hurt.
If you have studied history at all you would know that things only change because people stand up and say something. How about if Brynn was "mentally challenged" and that girl was saying that around her, should she still sit down and shut up or say something to the girl?
If you think I took this to far, then answer the question, at what point is it ok to stand up and say something? Remember that whatever arbitrary point you choose there will always be someone standing to the right of you saying, "hey you shut up and sit down, mind your own business"
My response to that is FUCK THAT SHIT. Discrimination is discrimination, hate is hate, bigotry is bigotry, we all draw our own lines in the sand that we will not cross, only the weak sit down and shut up when someone crosses that line.
Lastly, perhaps you should read the comment above yours by "Ttiny" - looks like Brynn may have reached at least one person with this act.
I know when I was in school, I learned about more than just the subject of each class, I learned about life and how to treat people. So a 16 year old CAN give valuable advice to another 16 year old, IMHO.
Nice (2009 version of 'nice') post Steve. You and your family are true heroes to me!
The difference between being "not nice" and "insensitive" is exactly how I would describe this situation.
However, being little over a year fresh out of the public high school system, and belonging to a peer group that uses the same sort of language, I have to say that when we say things such as, "That's retarded" or "That's gay," we in no way actually mean that those things are bad because they are literally mentally challenged or homosexual. Generally, both equate to, "That's stupid," and no one I know actually means any offense to the mentally challenged or to gays when they use these phrases. In fact, I am gay and a Special Education major and I use both.
I can, though, see the importance in watching how these things are said, how often, and around what kinds of people; I also approve of Brynn's actions since the girl was over-using the word, which would at the least be annoying.
@1983
I would also like to point out that Brynn did not jump down this girl's throat, she did not melt down about it. She did not act the first time the girl said something. The girl was saying it repeatedly, over and over about several people and things. That is when she simply said, "You really shouldn't use the word retarded like that. It's not very nice." You act as though she went off the deep end with this girl. I think that she acted in a mature manner and kept it simple. You describe some girl in school who would "flip out" when you used a word that bothered her. I fail to see how that correlates with this story, Brynn did not "flip out" - she acted calm and told that girl that it was not a nice word to use, that was it.
@ Crusader
If you mean "That's Stupid," why don't you just say "That's Stupid?" Why do you have to use a whole group of people as your adjective that is the EQUIVALENT OF STUPID?? Don't you see that by inserting "gay" or "retarded" in the PLACE of "stupid" you are saying that gay = stupid & retarded = stupid.
I would think that you being gay and equating the word "stupid" with a characteristic about youself would help you to see why it can be wrong and hurtful.
If you ever finish your degree and actually become a Special Education teacher, maybe you will see things from another, more mature point-of-view and understand why us family members who live and love special needs children find your reference to our kids as "stupid" hurtful.
Crusader said, "I am gay and a Special Education major and I use both."
really? for some reason I do not believe that. I can buy that you are guy and would say fag to your friends, I have gay friends who will freely use that word amongst themselves, but I do not believe that you are a special education major who uses the word "retarded" in place of stupid. If you do then you must be in your first few weeks of school, because that would make you the biggest dick ever if you used it in place of stupid after a few years of school and had been working with those with special needs.
Crusader...
A.....never mind, your immaturity is not worth it. Good luck on growing up!
@ Steve
Wow - looks like you're better at jumping down peoples throats and having meltdowns, LOL. I never insinuated that Brynn was doing that. The comparisons you've made to her opinionating herself to someone in class -> a woman being beat by her husband, etc. are a BIT extreme don't you think?
Simmer down. We're talking about kids using the word "retarded" in a joking way in a classroom enviroment. In fact, I think I did say that there's nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in...but for crying out loud.
"Choose your words wisely"? More like "choose your battles wisely". Maybe you should consider this as a new motto for yourself.
@1983
"coose your battles wisely.'' ...Really?
I think that you are dispensing advice that would serve YOU quite well #1983. If you are wondering what got Steves dander up, then you are surely very dense. You are not just talking about 'kids', you are talking about HIS kid. If Steve seems a little overzealous in his defense of Brynn to you, then that is your opinion to have, but I will tell you that you are making me start to feel very defensive of Brynn myself, and I have never even met her.
Choose your battles wisely indeed 1983. ...Indeed.